


since i've got you

by montygreenn



Category: Phandom/The Fantastic Foursome (YouTube RPF)
Genre: (past) eating disorder tw, Established Relationship, Hurt/Comfort, M/M, kinda sad but the angst is just a setup for the fluff ok i'm soft
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-12-06
Updated: 2016-12-06
Packaged: 2018-09-03 13:11:01
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,187
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/8715307
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/montygreenn/pseuds/montygreenn
Summary: Dan reflects on his previous body image problems and eating disorder, and Phil comforts him.





	

**Author's Note:**

> so ok this is my first fic i've ever published for dan and phil bc i only recently started watching their videos. i woke up in the middle of the night last night and wrote this entire thing and now i'm wacking it up without really editing it at all? bad choice? probably. anyways i've struggled Hella with an eating disorder and body image and shit and i love projecting my own mental illnesses onto people i write about so here's this.

Dan hated watching his old videos. They made him cringe and he got second hand embarrassment (was it considered first hand in this case?) so badly that he had been seconds away from switching every video from 2009 and 2010 to private countless times, only to be talked down by Phil.

Another reason he hated watching them, though, was being forced to face the reality of how much his appearance had changed in the past seven years. Sure, his hair had gotten nicer. His smile was brighter and his style had changed dramatically, thank God, and his orange-y tan had completely faded into a more natural- looking soft pale. And he was eternally grateful for all the changes that had transformed him from a cynical emo twink to a content and slightly less cynical twenty- something with a successful career and a loving relationship.

One thing he did envy about his younger self, however, was the weight difference. Since 2009, when he begun college, started making videos, and met Phil, he had put on around thirty pounds. His doctor told him this was perfectly healthy, and was actually happy about it, seeing as he was dangerously close to being underweight for his height at one point. Phil was happy about it, too, because, as he put it, he was softer now when they cuddled. 

The weight he put on was happy weight. 

His last year in high school, he was barely eating, fueled by his desperate want to look like the pictures of guys he found on myspace, with their piercings and eyeliner and sharply defined collarbones. They had millions of bracelets encircling their slender arms and they looked better in skinny jeans than Dan thought he ever would. 

When Dan started talking to Phil, he was so floored by one of his idols, the beautiful northern boy with fluffy hair, noticing him, that he made the decision that he had to look his best in order for Phil to not lose interest in him. This meant, unfortunately, starving himself. He didn't admit it to himself, because eating disorders were for teenage girls and ballet dancers, but he also kept a measuring tape in his bedside table and the letters on his bathroom scale got rubbed away from repeated use. 

At one point during his drastic weight loss, he was actually happy with his body. He took risqué pictures of his naked body and posted them online, ecstatic about his slender figure, achieved through months of lying to his parents about meals, and limiting calorie intake to the point of passing out when he got out of bed or stood out of his desk for too long at school. The pictures he would text to Phil would always have some glimpse of protruding collarbones, and during Skype sessions he would innocently stand up to grab something from across the room in order to give Phil a glimpse of his slim frame. 

When he actually met Phil, though, in Manchester, and saw his bright eyes and enchanting smile for the first time, something changed. He drank a sugary Starbucks drink, probably around 500 calories, and didn't have the time to hate himself over it because he was too focused on how warm Phil's hand felt in his. They shared mac n cheese at a restaurant downtown and it took them an hour to finish it because Phil insisted on feeding Dan every other bite. They ate bowl after bowl of chocolate cereal in their pajamas and Dan thought about how good it felt to have a full stomach for the first time in ages. Phil kissed him and he was so distracted by his soft lips he forgot to calculate the calories he'd consumed that day. 

Dan's weight gain started slowly, as he fluctuated between recovery and relapse, his attempt at recovery usually lining up with his time spent with Phil. He wasn't happy with his body all the time, but his boyfriend was. And nobody else's opinion really mattered to Dan. 

When they moved in together, Dan had to come clean about his distorted body image and issues with food. Phil hugged him on the couch for half an hour, and he wouldn't let go of his hand until they woke up the next morning. 

Besides the fleeting thought or vague mention of his past eating disorder, Dan hadn't attempted to starve himself or count calories for almost four years now. He still had self confidence issues, though, and they had been getting a little worse lately, as he'd gained around five pounds in the last month. Phil didn't notice, or claimed not to when Dan brought it up, but Dan's tummy showed through some of his favorite shirts more than usual, and for some reason he couldn't stop eating a little too much of his favorite foods. 

"Hey, PHIL?" Dan yelled across the flat. He could easily get off the couch and walk five feet to the kitchen to talk to his boyfriend, but he was cozy and Phil was already standing up, anyways. 

"What's up?" Phil padded into the lounge in socked feet, a mellow expression on his face. 

"Do you think I should try to start eating healthier?" he asked innocently. Phil saw right through the question immediately. 

"If you want to eat healthy for the right reasons, then sure." he said sternly. 

"I just-" Dan poked at a pudgy bit of his side. Phil caught his hand. 

"Not to be soppy," Phil began, "but you are literally the most perfect and stunning human being I have ever seen, and you get prettier every day." 

"That was a little soppy." Dan told him, his eyes pricking with the beginnings of tears. He blinked them away before they could form. 

"Also, why would you want to eat health foods when chocolate and Christmas cookies exist?" Phil nudged him. Dan shrugged. 

"You make a compelling argument." 

"I think. What we need is more water, more fruits and vegetables, and more sleep. I certainly don't think we need to eat less of anything." Phil decided. Dan squeezed his hand, feeling safe and loved at Phil's use of 'we'. Everything was 'we' with them. It always had been. 

"So, like, we can have a pizza as long as we also have a banana and some carrots along with it." Dan confirmed. Phil wrinkled his nose. 

"Maybe not that exact combination, but yes, that's generally what I had in mind. We need vitamins." he said. 

"Vitamins." Dan agreed, his mind almost off his weight and body.

"Phil?" 

"Yes, bear?" Phil stroked a circle on the inside of Dan's wrist. Dan swooned at the rare pet name. 

"You're the reason I started eating again. I don't know if I ever told you." 

"And you're the reason I look forward to waking up every morning, so I guess we're even." Phil pressed a soft kiss to Dan's mouth. "I'm making coconut curry for dinner." 

Dan finished a huge bowl of coconut curry, and he would have had a second if he wasn't busy furiously kissing his boyfriend against the kitchen sink.

**Author's Note:**

> that was kinda different from what i usually do because usually my fics are dialogue- heavy but for some reason i NEEDED to write this. anyways i've been working on a longer fic for almost a month now and hopefully i'll finish and post it at some point. ALSO the title is from Emmylou by Vance Joy he's one of my favs and the song is cute n kinda applicable to this fic  
> my twitter is @jishwadun and my tumblr is heathnes.tumblr.com feel free to talk to me on both xoxo gossip girl


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